Love or arranged?

As one of my girlfriends strove hard to get over her boyfriend, and give arranged marriage a shot,  she called me to discuss if an arranged marriage was the right choice. This got me thinking, which is better, a love or an arranged marriage?

Well, in this day and age, an arranged marriage sounds like a thing of the past. However, I look at my parents who have been in a blessed arranged marriage for over 25 years. Why is it that we have lost faith in the concept of an arranged marriage? What is it that makes the thought of marrying a stranger so scary? Is a love marriage a safer/easier bet than an arranged marriage?

Most people say that the main thing that works in favor of a love marriage is the fact that you "know" the person that you are about to marry. But is it really possible to "know" someone? And even if you believe you know your would-be husband or wife, can you be sure that he or she won't change with time? Forget about your partner, do you think you know who 'you' really are? And can you honestly  say that you won't change with time. The fact is, if we cannot even be sure of ourselves and how we would react to a particular situation, how can we ever fully know someone else? And isn't marriage all about discovering and rediscovering your partner and yourself?

I believe, every marriage, love or arranged, needs some basic ingredients, regardless of how long you have known your partner. The first and the most important ingredient is respect. Respect for your partner's feelings, needs, space, and individuality. If you respect each other, love will come naturally. To take your partner for granted, could be the first sign of diminishing respect.

The next important ingredient is trust. Trust is not only limited to fidelity. You must have trust in your partner's instincts, intentions, abilities, and sensibilities. If you cannot trust your partner, you will not be able to sustain the relationship, be it a love marriage or an arranged one.

Another essential  component is the ability and willingness to change and adapt. Being able to arrive at a solution that is not unfair to either of you, takes effort and patience. At no point should you feel that you are doing something out of obligation or making a sacrifice. Both you and your partner must be willing to make some adjustments as and when required. If you are able to have a sensible discussion about issues that are important to both of you, then it is a sign that you have the maturity to handle tough and testing situations. It is this maturity that will help strengthen your relationship in the long run.

Now you may wonder why love has not entered this list yet. What is love? Is it what the romantic novels say it is? Or is it something that has no real existence? I feel a marriage is less about love but more about "feeling at home" with your partner. If you can completely be yourself in front of someone, without being constantly judged, then you have every making of a successful marriage.

 When I was about to get married, my mother told me, "If you fail to row a boat, changing the boat won't help. You need to learn how to row better." I guess that's all it takes. Every marriage, be it love or arranged, is after all a "marriage", a union of two souls. There will be friction. There will be good and bad times. There will be challenges and rewards. It is a leap of faith but as long as you are willing to make it work, you have a chance. A chance to have a blessed "marriage".