had a very tiring day today...running from pillar to post in search for answers.....haalat khraab ho gyi....dont really know y i am writing this post.....may b coz i have nothing better to do....bt now..my eyes are giving up....can't stare at the screen nymore.....

u know what i really wana do? i wana get mad drunk....get stoned....or wtever...i just want my brain to stop working for one week!!!!

As I sit and turn the last page of my copy of The Color Purple, I begin to sink. I don’t understand why my hands always reach out to novels that are considered “depressing”. I do not know what the reading of such novels brings to me. Now as I begin to think, it has been this way for every movie, book, poem or song that I have ever liked. I feel attracted to Sadness. I do not necessarily yearn for any kind of resolution in life. Why is this so?

To be honest, I do not really know what I want. There….I admit it! It doesn’t make me feel any better though. I do not know why in the midst of all the celebrations, I am suddenly filled with emptiness. My face droops down and my heart starts beating real slow. It feels as if my presence is as good as my absence and I ask myself…”Why am I here?” I try to fill myself up with words but my inability to be a part of other’s happiness kills me and makes me detest my own self. I am scared to venture in…because I am afraid I won’t find anything within. I feel like a giant hollow…just an animal full of blah….blah blah blah…that’s all I really do. I have lost my centre ( if I ever had one), and now it feels as if am just breathing away to no- thing. My moments of “happiness” turn into blankness even before I can live them…the worst part is though, I don’t even know if I want to get out of this comfort zone.

My teacher and I

I fought with my tears but in the end they won and before I knew it, I was drenched. There I sat, reading the black board after you left. Your handwriting continued talking to me.

“9am – 11am”, twice a week, for two semesters.

You bade farewell, and i felt our rondure had just ended…… but then I realized that the rondure had just begun.
As I closed my eyes and listened to your reading of a poem, I “saw”. Your voice lifted my spirit to unknown heights and I soared like a bird freed from a cage.

Before I lose my way in the things of the world, I take a moment. I take a moment to bow to you.

You held my hands for one year and showered me with unconditional love.
You made me fall in love with myself and the world around me.
You nurtured me like a father, and taught me like a sage.
You made me look inside and accept the hum drums of the world outside sans anger, sans indulgence.
You showed me the way…the way to myself.

I know the limitations of the words, so I stop here.

I feel privileged, honored, humbled and fortunate to have had the opportunity to spend a year of my lived experience with you.

"Earth Rise", one of the earliest images of earth from moon

"To see the earth as it truly is, small and blue
and beautiful in that eternal silence where it
floats, is to see ourselves as riders on the earth
together, brothers on that bright loveliness
in the eternal cold--brothers who know now----
they are truly brothers."


Archibald MacLeish.

hi..am bhavna and im from......uh...mmm...

They: so bhavna...where are u from?
me: i don't know...

5 seconds of awkward silence

they: well where is your home?
me: i don't kno...

silence again...then a fake smile from both the parties

they:ok...let's keep it simple. where is your family.
me: baroda......well as of now baroda.

they: what?
me: well they just moved in a day ago

they: ...
me:i gotta go...nice talking to you...

chandigarh, hoshiarpur, bareilly, chandigarh, mumbai, hyderabad, Kolkata and now Baroda...yes, u guessed it....my dad is in a bank....it ain't easy
just wn im sure that i have found "friends"...i know i gotta move away.....the word "home" doesn't mean mch to me
earlier i used to feel that it's a movement away from something with no sense of a "movement towards"...and it used to leave me helpless....
but now i have friends in all corners of India(thanks to my relatives that are spread throughout the country)..
it's amazing to have known so many cultures and so many different kinds of people..i still don't kno if it is a movement "towards" something but i think i have found my place...within

feels good to b home....